


Becoming Jim

by SpenceRose



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, FTM Moriarty, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8352238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpenceRose/pseuds/SpenceRose
Summary: After a break down and Sebastian discovering the truth, it is decided that changes must be made. Changes that Jim wishes he'd started years ago.





	

Jim Moriarty wasn't born that way. He was born Jamie. He grew up forced to be her, his father refusing that he had a son other than Richard. He had dresses and long hair. He wasn't allowed to cut his hair lest he receive a beating far worse than anything before.

He kept the habits long after his father died. He kept the hair, which he would tie up and pretend it wasn't there. He traded the dresses for more formal styles. That was how he built his empire. As Jamie. 

Sebastian, of course, was as masculine as they could come. Trigger happy, military background, brutish temper. He was everything Jim needed for his empire. And, apparently, his bed. 

At night, in the midst of passion, Jim could forget for a while. Until he heard Sebastian say that name, Jamie, and then he'd feel the tears gather. He's rather proud to admit that Sebastian has not noticed so far. Unfortunately, his ignorance wasn't meant to stay. 

Jim stared in the mirror, hating everything he saw staring at him. It had been a long day of meetings and his employers calling him ma'am and Jamie. He wanted to scream but he just stared, words stuck in his throat.

He couldn't take it. He wrenched open one of the bathroom drawers and grabbed the scissors. He stared at himself in the mirror as he cut the first lock of hair. It was like something in him snapped and he cut his hair as fast as he could. 

When he stopped it was uneven and choppy but it was short. It went down to his ears now, though that might just have been the longest strand.  
As Jim stared tears gathered and slid down his cheeks. He began to sob and slid to his knees, his arms wrapped around himself. 

It was too much and he began scratching at his arms. He dug into his skin with Jamie's perfect manicured nails as much as he could and drew blood. It hurt but he couldn't bring himself to stop. 

That's when he heard the door. He looked up and fear enveloped him. Sebastian couldn't see him like this. He tried to move to shut the door but his arms hurt to much. 

"Boss?" Sebastian called. Jim couldn't stop the tears now and they rolled unchecked down his cheeks. "Jamie? What the hell?"

Jim looked up to see Sebastian standing in the doorway. Sebastian stared at him and Jim looked away, not able to look at someone who only saw Jamie.

"What happened?" Sebastian asked, stepping forward. Jim didn't answer and instead tried to move farther away. "Jamie, please."

"I-It's not Jamie," Jim finally sobbed out. After a moment of thinking over what he'd said and comprehension spread across his face. He walked in, crouching next to Jim. "I'm sorry, Sebastian. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, boss, it's okay," he said and he drew Jim into his arms. He whispered, the name Jamie never passing his lips. He stuck with calling him Boss until he had calmed enough to tell Sebastian what he wanted to be called.

"Se-Sebastian," Jim muttered, pulling away a bit and wiping at his eyes. "Why-How are you so a-accepting of this?"

Sebastian smiled a bit and tucked the longest strand of Jim's hair behind his ear. 

"Well, you know Severin," he said and Jim blinked for a moment. "Yeah. When I was gone over seas, he underwent surgery. I knew how he felt before I left but he wanted it to be a surprise. I had never been more thrilled for him."

"I never knew," Jim muttered, leaning his head on Sebastian's shoulder. 

"We kept it quiet," Sebastian muttered, holding him close. He looked down at Jim and the horrible haircut he had given himself. "He could help you. He's gone through this all before."

Jim glanced up. The idea of someone else finding out made his stomach twist but the prospect of being able to look how he felt... He nodded. 

"I'll ask him to come," Sebastian said and Jim nodded. "And do you want me to call Richard? Severin said he's been worried about you."

Jim closed his eyes. The last few weeks had been hell and the idea of Richard knowing about this episode was horrifying. Jim tried so hard to distance himself from his brother. He could never handle the pitying looks and too soft touches. Like he was going to fall apart. 

“No. No, let's wait for that," he said. Sebastian nodded and then looked down at Jim's arms. Without a word, he pulled away to grab the first aid kit from under the sink. He cleaned them and Jim did his best to stay quiet and still. Once Sebastian finished bandaging his arms, he pressed kisses along his arms and met his eyes.

"I never want to see this again, sir," he said in a voice that left no room for disagreement. Jim felt tears well up in his eyes as the title rolled off Sebastian's tongue. It felt awkward to hear himself called that after having the title 'ma'am' for so long but it felt right.

"Okay," he hiccuped and then found himself engulfed in Sebastian's arms once again. Without a second thought, Sebastian lifted him up and carried him to his bedroom. Sebastian's room.  
Jim wasn't sure why they didn't use Sebastian's room more. It was comforting. Clean. It was very much the colonel’s room. Something that Jim enjoyed. 

He watched as Sebastian undressed and then the sniper got into the bed next to him. He pulled Jim closer and he buried his face into the other’s neck, breathing in his scent. 

“We're going to have to get you a proper haircut tomorrow,” Sebastian said, running his fingers through Jim's hair. Jim smiled a bit and nodded. “Have you given any thought as to what you want to be called?”

“Jim,” was the immediate reply. Sebastian smiled a bit and kissed his head. 

“Alright. Get some sleep, Jim,” he whispered. Jim smiled and his eyes closed. He fell asleep almost immediately, lulled to sleep with Sebastian's heartbeat.


End file.
